are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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