I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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