i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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