he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
