I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
