Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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