i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This house was built for laser tag.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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