I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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