i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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