my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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