i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
