someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
