woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
