you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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