Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
