Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
NoShamevember. You game?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize