I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
