Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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