Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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