I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
