So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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