I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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