is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
