my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We are all done wearing pants today
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
