I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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