Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
