Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
