Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
