dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
