why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
