for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
