jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
