My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
