people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize