my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's shark week go big or go home
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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