I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
