shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
