When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
