she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
