I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
