$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
