my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
