2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize