Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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