I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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