oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
