she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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