My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
