Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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