he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
