She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
