3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
