there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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