***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
