He had one of those small greek statue penises
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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