Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
