standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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