Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
