i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
