She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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